So yes, I'm scared. I'm anxious. I'm uncertain about the near future. And frankly, I'm sad. I'm sad that I can't see my family as much as before. I'm sad that I can't just call up a friend and ask to go get coffee or dinner. I'm sad I can't go to my office and see my coworkers. I'm sad I can't see a huge portion of my clients. I'm sad for anyone who is having to put exciting life moments on hold. I'm sad for my teacher friends who are away from their students and may not get to see them before the school year ends. I'm sad for those same students, some of which were poised to graduate in just a couple of months and now one of the biggest and most exciting moments of their lives has gone from an exclamation point to a question mark.
For me personally, my mental health has taken a toll. Through this crazy and uncertain time, I have discovered a new and scary phobia that I was not aware of before. I have never been faced with such a widespread, close-to-home health concern such as this one, and this new phobia has now surfaced and chosen to present itself through anxiety-like symptoms that I had not experienced before.
It's hard to smile these days.
But you know what? I have smiled. I've smiled and laughed and happy cried on several occasions throughout this past week riddled with fear and anxiety. Not at first - in the beginning, it was mostly crying because I was scared, finding myself short of breath after seeing too much negativity on social media, being terrified to go to work like normal or to go out just to get a couple of necessary things from the store.
It wasn't until I was at my parents house participating in a livestream devotional that I realized why things changed. During this devotional, we were asked how we define the difference between feeling anxious about tomorrow's struggles and being prepared for tomorrow's struggles. And my mom and I had the same train of thought, which I'll summarize:
When I'm anxious about something, it's almost as if I'm paralyzed. I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't process - all I can do is think about worst-case scenarios, so much so that the fear overwhelms and suffocates me. But when I prepare for what tomorrow brings - yes, I'm still worried, but I'm actively choosing to take steps toward processing. Answering questions such as "Okay, so what can I do if this happens?" or "How am I going to react when that happens?" I'm acknowledging that the uncertainty of tomorrow is terrifying, but I'm choosing to remember that I can do something about it.
It took me realizing that I was letting the fear swallow me up and drown me in despair when I could just stop. Stop looking at all the negativity and start seeking the positivity. And let me tell you, there is so. Much. Positivity.
There are countless workers who are going out and continuing to do their jobs so the rest of us don't have to. There are businesses offering free services and extended hours to accommodate new needs. There are schools offering free meals to kids and families who otherwise might go hungry. There are friends and family members checking in on each other just to make sure everyone is doing okay. There are teachers posting their certifications on social media and offering their guidance for parents who are now having to homeschool their children. There are school teachers and university professors working for hours getting their curriculum online so their students can still learn and get the credits they need. There are fitness instructors sharing in-home workout videos or even inviting their entire apartment complex to join them for workouts from their patios. There are celebrities sharing videos to make people laugh and smile. There are church leaders continuing to spread hope and peace to their congregations in a time when these messages are needed most. There are neighbors offering their services to those who live around them that may not have the ability or health to do things themselves. There are neighborhoods around the world finding ways to connect with each other while staying physically away.
And I didn't notice any of this until I started looking for it.
My dad added a great comment during our devotional. He said there is a saying that goes, "Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes He calms the sailor."
I'm choosing to believe that right now, He is helping us find peace in a raging storm. And He is doing this through people. People actively choosing kindness over fear. People choosing to smile and thank the store clerk helping them with their groceries rather than snapping at them about how empty their shelves are. People choosing to find ways to still share their specific expertise and skills to help those who need it. People choosing to heed the warnings and stay indoors when it's breaking their hearts not to be around their loved ones. People choosing to seek out joy rather than letting their fear suffocate them.
I'll admit, I was one of those people who, just one week ago, was saying things like "Everyone needs to calm down", "We're overreacting", "Why is everyone panicking?" Now, I've changed my tune. Because preparing for tomorrow and everything it may bring doesn't mean our feelings of fear and worry are invalid. Listen to me right now: it's okay to be afraid. But you can choose to take that fear and channel it into determination to find the light in all this darkness. Because I promise you, there is light out there! Go look for it!
"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."
