It's even funnier when you feel like you've figured out this plan. You're so sure you know exactly what God wants you to do that nothing can convince you otherwise.
That was me for about an entire year.
For a little while near the end of high school, I wanted to be an actress. I love acting, and I love every aspect of the theatre world. But then, senior year, something changed. I became inspired. I wanted to be a theatre teacher. It was all thanks to my theatre directors; they were some of the most influential people that I have had the pleasure to meet. I wanted it so bad that I even convinced myself that this is exactly what God wanted me to do with my life. This was my destiny, to be really dramatic.
So, I graduated feeling pretty confident in my decision. I was going to audition to be a theatre education major once auditions rolled around again (I had missed the first round). Unfortunately, this meant that I had to wait until the end of the first semester. But I didn't let that get me down. I was very determined. So, I waited, and I practiced my audition pieces, and I mentally prepared myself. I even went in as a theatre minor to try to immerse myself in that community as much as possible.
As the semester went along, I started to notice something. The theatre department was very, very close with one another. They were like one huge family. This made sense, of course. Considering how busy they are, they don't really get to hang out with anyone else. But for me, this was a problem. I couldn't see a place for me there. It's hard to just throw yourself in there without the proper welcome.
I started to question whether or not this was the right decision. The thing was, I was so convinced that this was God's plan for me that I had absolutely no back-up plan. I had no idea what I would do if this didn't work out. So the closer it got to my audition, the more I started to panic. The week of, I had multiple breakdowns where I would just curl up on my floor and cry and just ask God if I was doing the right thing.
The audition came and went. It actually went pretty well. I felt relieved to finally get that over with. But then it was time to wait. And wait. And wait. I eventually got told that I had been put on a shorter list, meaning that I had made it to the next round, so to speak, but there were still several people auditioning so I would have to wait longer. And I started to freak out. Again.
But, by this time, I had found a good group of friends. When I told them how I was feeling, they immediately assured me that everything would be fine, that God had a plan, that they were praying for me.
Then, one day, the letter came. I was at work, and my mom called me to tell me a letter addressed to me had come in the mailbox. I told her to bring it up to school since I was about to get off. By the time I walked out of work, I was literally shaking. My friends were anxiously waiting for me to tell them what the letter said. My mom and I went outside, and after taking a deep breath, I opened the letter.
I don't really remember exactly what the letter said. One word stood out to me. "Unfortunately..."
I stood there staring at the letter, feeling numb. My mom took a little longer, and then she just looked at me. I remember just looking up and saying, "I didn't make it." She didn't say anything; she didn't have to. I started fanning my face with the letter in a sad attempt to stop the breakdown I could feel coming on, but it was no use. I just broke.
My mom was fantastic. She just pulled me in her arms and held me. We were still in public, so she took me to the car. After a few minutes of just crying, she decided to take me home for a little while so I could cry in peace. We drove home in silence, with me crying off and on. By the time I got home, I was sort of calm. But as soon as I walked in my house, I let out one of those heart wrenching sobs that just shakes your whole body with the force of it. And I remember my dad just wrapping me in a hug, and I started to full out sob. I just couldn't stop. For about an hour after that, I just cried in my mom's arms on the couch, my dad sitting across from us; both of them just being the comforting presence that I needed.
I remember all the feelings I had. Sadness. Disappointment. Anger. And then just a sense of being completely lost. What was I supposed to do now?
I had texted all my friends so they would know what was going on. They all told me they were sincerely sorry and that they were there for me.
After a while, I had calmed down enough to head back to the dorm. My mom drove me back, and I slowly walked up the stairs. As I approached my room, though, I saw that there was something on my door. A lot of somethings, actually.
Sticky notes with encouraging words and song lyrics.
My friends had done this in the hour and a half that I was at home so it would be waiting for me when I got back. They also got me a milkshake and sprayed me with silly string. My roommate brought me cookies from work. They all sat down to watch a Disney movie with me. My cousin even came over and brought me ice cream.
They all set everything else aside and put me first for just a few hours. Just because they knew that's exactly what I needed.
It was at that moment, where I felt pure joy and unconditional love from everyone around me, that I realized something. This was part of God's plan. I missed the first round of auditions and didn't get into the theatre department because God knew that's not what I needed. If I had made it in at the beginning, I may not have met the people who I now can't imagine living without. The people who, as soon as I told them that my dream had pretty much been shattered, dropped everything to make sure I was okay. The people who supported me through it all. That's what I needed.
God is pretty incredible, isn't he? He's sneaky, too. He occasionally let's you try out what you think is right, only to prove you wrong and say, "See? I know what I'm doing. Trust me."
This time, I'm putting my trust in God. If this isn't right either, then he'll let me know. He always does.
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"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
