The Seemingly Never-Ending Game of Tug Of War

Recently during class at church, we were asked to sketch a picture that represents our spirituality. At first, I thought it would be difficult; I can barely describe my spirituality, let alone draw it. Everyone got creative, though. There were drawings ranging from bumpy roads to mountains and valleys.

Mine may sound kind of cliché, but it really does fit. I drew a game of tug of war. Two people pulling a rope, trying to pull hard enough to cause the other to fall in the patch of mud that's in the middle.

I consider myself the little flag that usually hangs in the middle of the rope. I'm being pulled in either direction, whichever one happens to be stronger at the moment. I think you can guess who is on either side, right? Well, yes, it's God on one side and Satan on the other. And of course, God is usually the one winning. But the question is: why hasn't God won already?

See, most of the time I think I find myself right in the middle. Standing in the mud, so to speak. Stuck, not really knowing which way to go, being pulled in different directions. I desperately want God to win, to get that one good yank that will pull me out and right into His arms. There have been so many moments where I feel like I've gotten so close; moments where I can practically see and feel Him. But then, Satan happens to get a particularly strong pull and I find myself right back in the mud.

The same Sunday, my dad taught a sermon on the metaphor used to describe the birth of Jesus found in Revelations 12. Satan is portrayed as a great dragon that tries to kill baby Jesus as soon as he is born, but he fails, so he decides to “wage war” on “those who keep God's commands and hold fast to their testimony about Jesus”.

So my depiction of my spirituality as a game of tug of war seems pretty accurate. It isn't as gruesome as a full out war, but either way God and Satan are fighting over us.

These two lessons hit home. I recently had an experience that had me questioning God, wondering why He let this happen. These thoughts allowed Satan to pull me closer for just a second. And it's like I can just feel God begging me to trust Him, to have faith in Him. But it's hard, isn't it? It's easy to tell someone else to have faith when they're going through something hard. When it happens to us? Faith can sometimes go out the window entirely.

The story that went along with the drawings was about Paul. Persecutor of the Jews turned passionate missionary for Christ. Can you imagine what his drawing would look like? Considering how quickly and drastically his life changed, I'd say it would be kind of hard to describe. But the fact is that he did change. In one instance, Paul describes how God put a thorn in his flesh to torment him, and at first he begged God take it away. But God responded, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” You know how Paul reacted? 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I pride myself in being a Christian, but I doubt I would have been that understanding. But that's just how we have to be. We go through hardships so that we realize that we aren't strong enough, that we need God because He's the strong one. There's a song that I learned at a summer church camp, and I love the words in the chorus:

You are stronger

You are stronger

Sin is broken

You have saved me

It is written

Christ is risen

Jesus, you are Lord of all

That's what we need to remember. God is stronger. Sin is broken, God has saved us.

Yes, Satan is occasionally going to get a good, strong pull now and again. That's life. But we just have to know that, in the end, God is going to win. And in the meantime, we should be helping Him; trying our best to get to Him, pulling against Satan and toward God. Who wants to be just a stick in the mud, right?

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“If God is for us, who can be against us?”

Losing My Religion.... Almost

In my youth group, we do this thing every summer where we watch a movie and then tie in a lesson to it. I've learned to watch for spiritual messages in movies, and it's incredible what you can find. Tonight, my two youth interns showed us a movie called Big Fish.

I'll give you a brief overview. Big Fish is basically about a father-son relationship that is very strained. The father, Edward Bloom, has told his son these amazing stories about his young life; stories that seem impossible, and yet they're fascinating to hear. Giants, Siamese twins, growth spurts that confined Edward to his bed for three years. But the problem is, his son, Will, doesn't believe his father's tales. He knows they're not really true. And he spends his life despising his dad for always telling his stories; even at Will's wedding, when it was supposed to be about him and his new wife. So, when he finds out his father is dying, he confronts Edward and asks him to tell him the truth. His father says he has been telling him the truth this whole time. Will, however, doesn't really understand until the end of the movie (which I won't spoil for those of you who haven't seen it; go watch it!).

I was sitting there after the movie was over, and my youth interns asked us what we got out of the movie before they went on to share their own thoughts. And even though I saw their points, I couldn't help but notice a completely different lesson; a more personal one.

Will Bloom had trouble believing his father's stories because they sounded impossible. I mean, come on... giants? A witch with a glass eye that shows people how they die? I probably wouldn't have believed them either. Will just couldn't see the true point of the stories; he was too focused on wanting the facts. One thing he says is, "In telling the story of my father's life, it's impossible to separate fact from fiction, the man from the myth."

And I realized... that was me. I grew up hearing these incredible stories from the Bible and being told they were true. Like Will, I believed in them when I was young. But the reason I believed in them was because that's all they were to me. Stories.

I have friends that don't believe in God. Their reasoning is that none of it makes sense. Some divine being just magically created everything in six days? People coming back from the dead? They questioned me, and we would get in arguments. Science vs. Religion. Facts vs. Faith. But the worst part of it was, I found myself questioning myself. Is there really someone up there controlling our lives? All those stories from my childhood... they sounded so... impossible. 

I saw myself in Will. He had trouble knowing who his father really was because he didn't understand his stories. I have trouble understanding my heavenly father because I don't always believe his stories. I looked for realistic facts to try and make them more relatable, more believable. When I realized this as I started getting older, I got scared. What if I lost my faith? What if everything I've ever been told just suddenly vanished, and I was left with nothing?

Okay, yes, this sounds depressing. Am I telling you that I don't believe in God anymore?

No.

In the movie, Will had people around him that helped him along his journey to understand his father. They never pushed him. They just gave him gentle prods in the right direction. His mother gave him clues as to his father's life. His wife advised him to give his father a chance. The doctor basically told him that, even though the stories weren't always true, they were sure a lot better than the real version.

And thankfully, I had that, too. I found people in my life that showed me that I don't have to apply logic to God. It's not going to work. I just have to hear the stories and learn from them. I have to share with other people what I learn.

At the end of the movie, Will finally understands why his father talked about his life the way he did. I love the last lines of the movie:

"A man tells his stories so many times that he becomes the stories. They live on after him, and in that way he becomes immortal."

We should tell our Father's stories so many times that we start to become them. And so, even after we're gone, there is someone there to keep the legacy going.

For a while, I thought I was losing my faith. But, through the help of my spiritual and literal family, I was reminded of my purpose. I am a child of God. He passed on his stories, and now it's my turn. Our turn.

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"It occurred to me then that perhaps the reason for my growth was that I was intended for larger things. After all, a giant man can't have an ordinary-sized life."

Cuba Mission Trip 2013

So, about a week ago, I came back from a mission trip to Cuba. That was my first time to ever go there, considering it's a bit complicated. But we ended up taking three families, making our a team a total of 10 people. And it was incredible.

We landed in Havana, Cuba on Saturday, July 13th, and drove about 2 hours to Matanzas, the city where we were going to be working the most. That's where Tony Fernandez and his church is. Tony was basically the one in charge of our work, and we couldn't have been more blessed.

We got to ride in the church bus, which in Cuba they call a guagua. The church found the guagua practically destroyed and rebuilt it in order to transport members of the church (and even strangers who just need a ride) to activities.

That night, one of our team, Steve Austin, got to direct the church choir. And let me tell you, they are fantastic. There's not that many of them, and yet their voices fill whatever space they're singing in. They sing with so much passion that you feel every word. Being a choir girl myself, it was definitely a treat hearing them sing and watching them rehearse. They ended up doing four performances while we were there.

For four days (Monday-Thursday), our team went around to four different locations and did a VBS for the kids there. Our theme was prayer, so we told the story of Daniel in the Lions' Den. We would tell them the story, and then they would get to act it out. They loved it; we even had little lion heads for the lions!

After that, they split up into three groups. One would make a puppet that was praying. Another would write a letter to God saying thank you for... well, they filled out that part. And the last group got to do different activities with tennis balls. All four days were a success, and we had great turnouts. All the kids loved every part of the VBS.

After that last VBS day, our team got to take a little break and head to the beach. I can't even put into words how beautiful the water was. I mean, just look at it!

So yes, I kind of enjoyed the beach. It was a nice break after four very full days. 

That Friday night, the youth conference started. The great thing about the conference was that our whole team was involved in something. The teens were all either teaching a class or helping someone else teach, and the adults either had sermons to preach or also helped with the classes.

I was very honored to be asked to teach a class about theatre and how the young people in Cuba could use that gift to share their faith. I was extremely nervous going in, considering this was my first time teaching and it had to be in Spanish. Luckily, my mom was there to help me out. And it went perfectly. The class was very attentive, and they participated in my activities. They even got to do a couple of skits. The first one was a pantomime, which is a skit with no talking. They all did great on that one! We ran out of time, so they didn't all get to do the second skit. But I had students coming up to me and saying thank you, asking for my email, taking pictures with me. It was a great experience.

The last night we were there, we got the chance to serve dinner to the elderly members of the community. Tony and the church usually do this, and we asked if we could do it one time before we left. We got to go around and say hi to everyone, give them each a plate full of food, and there was even a live band playing. Eventually, some of the choir people got up and started singing, and then the funniest thing happened. All the elderly people got up and started dancing! They were doing the cha cha and forming a conga line. It was so infectious that all of us joined in.

One of the things I learned in Cuba is that, even though they barely have anything and the government controls everything, they are so willing to give. Not one person had any hostility because a group of Americans were trying to help them out. They welcomed us with open arms and friendly smiles, and shared their joy and faith with us proudly. I saw so much love there; pure, unfailing love.

I loved this trip particularly because, even though I was one of the youngest in the team, I was still considered important. I had a reason for being there, and everyone else knew that, too. We young people got told so many times how we were the main characters in this story. The thing that made me realize that the most was when two of our teens, Daniel and Daniel (yeah, weird, I know), got to baptize three young boys. They were so inspired when they saw us four young people coming and participating in everything that they wanted the same type of faith that we have. One of those Daniels is my older brother, and it was a very touching and memorable experience watching him baptize people for the first time.

I really can't express how much I enjoyed and needed this trip. My dream is to be a theatre teacher, and I got my first glimpse of that life, and it was amazing. I met some of the most loving people, and the most adorable and fun children. This trip to Cuba was a true blessing, and I hope I get to go back next year.

"Always."

So, I was sitting in my room, trying to figure out what to talk about for a senior-led devo at my church. I decided to just go with something that I knew really well. Which is how I came to the conclusion that I could use Harry Potter.

Not the whole series, of course. Just one certain character. Severus Snape.

Allow me to set the stage (sorry, I’m an actress). Snape was basically Voldemort’s right-hand man. He was considered his most faithful servant, considering his role as a double agent. He pretended to be on the good side when actually he wasn’t.... or so it seemed, until the end of the last book, where we find out that he’s actually a good guy pretending to be a bad guy... who was pretending to be a good guy. Confusing, right?

Well, in the final book, he gives Harry some of his memories right before he dies. Harry, desperate for anything he can use to end the battle going on, takes them to Dumbledore’s study to see them. The memories reveal a shocking detail: Snape was on the good side the entire time. Everything he did was because of one person.

Lily Potter.

Yes, it turns out that he was in love with Harry’s mother ever since they first met when they were children. She became his best friend, but she never loved him back. Lily ended up marrying James Potter. Snape, however, never got over her. And so, when Voldemort tries to kill Harry as a baby and Lily sacrifices herself, Snape is absolutely crushed. He had begged Dumbledore to protect her, but none of them could do anything about it. Dumbledore then asks Snape to help him protect Harry from further threats. Despite his disgust for the boy, Snape agrees because Lily died to save her son. It’s what she would have wanted.

So, to get to the point I’m trying to make. Like I mentioned in my last post, at camp we talked a lot about how much God loves us. We can never fully understand how much. But it’s not a one-way street. Yes, God loves us, he chases after us, he wants us. But we should want him, too.

Just like Snape. Everything he did after Lily’s death was because of her death. He loved her so much that he didn’t want her sacrifice to be in vain. He protected the boy who looked so much like a person he had hated, all because of love. He risked his life, risked being hated by practically everyone around him. All because of love.

And that’s how we should be. We should love God so much that we want to do everything for him. Everything we do should be because Jesus died for us. We should love him so much that we don’t want his death to go to waste. Like it says in 2 Corinthians 5:13-15, “If we are ‘out of our mind’, as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ’s love compels us, because we are in our right mind, and therefore all died. And he died for us all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.”

Obviously, if you’ve read Harry Potter (or seen the movies), there are some things that Snape does that I don’t agree with. There’s one thing that sticks out to me that goes along with this. When he agrees to protect Harry, he tells Dumbledore that no one can know about his part in the plan. I think we should be the exact opposite. Matthew 5:16 tells us, “In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” We shouldn’t hide our love and devotion for God. He tells us that we are the light of the world. And what does light do? Shine!

In 1 Corinthians 13, it talks about what love is, like “Love is patient, love is kind... it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” The last verse of chapter 13 states, “And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” In my Bible, there are notes at the bottom of each page, like devotional thoughts. Here’s a little bit of what it says about that last verse:

“Paul wrote that love endures forever... Love is the greatest of all human qualities and is an attribute of God himself. Love involves unselfish service to others. Faith is the foundation and content of God’s message; hope is the attitude and focus; love is action. When faith and hope are in line, you are free to love completely because you understand how God loves.”

I think Snape is a perfect example of what love should look like. He performed unselfish service to others because he loved Lily. He had faith in her sacrifice because he loved her. He had hope because he loved her. He did everything because he loved.

There’s a scene that was perfectly written and fantastically done in the movie where Harry is watching a memory of Snape and Dumbledore talking. Dumbledore tells Snape that Harry has to die in order for Voldemort to be defeated. Snape is understandably frustrated; I mean, come on, he was told by Dumbledore to protect this boy! I love the line where he says, “You’ve been raising him like a pig for slaughter!” Dumbledore’s response is, “Don’t tell me now that you’ve grown to care for the boy.” Snape just looks at him in disbelief, and performs his Patronus, which, if you don’t know, is a spell unique to each individual person and takes the shape of an animal. Snape’s is a doe; just like Lily’s. Snape basically told Dumbledore, “No. I did everything for her.” Dumbledore then asks, “After all this time?” And then Snape utters one word.

“Always.”

That’s how we should be. People should question our devotion to God. We should let our lights shine, be so in love with God that people know exactly who we follow and why. 

So, my point here is, yes, God loves us even more than we could ever understand, but we need to love him, too. Let everything you do be for him, so that when someone asks you, “You’re still following that ‘God’ of yours?”, you can proudly respond: “Always.”

Oh, how He loves us!

Recently, I went to a church camp that I've been attending since the summer of my freshman year of high school. This was my last year, and it was a great year to finish off my time at this camp.

I'll give you a brief overview. Up to a thousand teens from around the region come for a week of powerful spiritual growth. We have incredible worship time, inspirational speakers, unique classes, and even fun and crazy entertainment each night. Each camper goes to 15 classes out of 20-25. Each one has its own lesson to be learned, and the teachers have very creative ways of sharing their thoughts with us. It's always fun to see what they've planned each year.

This past year, I went to a class that some friends had recommended. It was called Beloved.

So, you walk in, and the room is dark, only lit by a string of lights and a few candles in the front of the room. Standing next to the candles, completely serious and perfectly motionless, are two men: the teachers. And so we all sit on the floor, wondering what's happening. When everyone is inside and ready, the teachers begin this incredible acrobatic routine, over-the-top and ridiculous. We're all laughing and clapping and having a good time.

You may ask, what was the point of that? We were all asking the same question. One of the teachers soon explained. He admitted that they felt really silly doing that. And then he started talking about how God loves us, and that we should love Him; that loving God shouldn't feel ridiculous to us.

I was thinking, okay, I sort of see where they're going with this. But they just kept on talking about strong God's love is for us, and they were saying it with so much passion that I was starting to really get it. So eventually they had us all stand up, hold our our hands as if expecting a gift, and close our eyes. They told us it was time to really accept God's love.

I was standing there, eyes closed, arms out, and I can't even really explain it, but I just started crying. There was soft music playing, and through my tears I heard the words: "He loves us, oh, how he loves us..."

The two teachers were walking around, talking to every individual person in the rom, quietly enough to where only the other person could hear. I heard people starting to cry all around me, and I understood why. I was literally starting to feel God's presence in that room. I've never felt anything like it before.

Eventually, I felt a strong, warm hand grasp one of mine, and I started crying even harder. I wasn't sure what the teacher was going to say to me, but I was just filled with this overwhelming joy, and I just grabbed his hand with both of mine. I heard him laugh at my reaction, and he leaned closer to me. And I will never forget what he said to me first. No introduction, no salutation. Just:

"God is so proud of you."

And that was it. I almost didn't hear anything else he whispered to me because I just started sobbing. I honestly don't remember what else he said, but I know it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Now, you may be asking, why was that so important to you? Let me explain: I just finished my senior year in high school. Before then, before high school, before middle school, all the way back to kindergarten, I didn't really talk. I had this anxiety disorder called selective mutism, meaning that I could speak perfectly fine anywhere, but at school I went completely mute. As I grew older, though, I slowly became more confident in myself. It wasn't until sophomore or junior year where I finally was able to come out of my shell. I eventually dreamed of performing on stage. Acting, singing, dancing, whatever. I loved to do it. So, my senior year, I decided it was my time. I did it all. I got lead roles in almost all the theatre productions, I sang a duet, and at our final choir concert of the year, I finally got the courage to sing a solo.

All year my parents, family, friends, teachers, everybody was telling me how proud they were. And I knew God was proud of me, too. But actually hearing those words and knowing it was God speaking through this man, straight to me, was a completely different story.

That night, the speaker talked about how God lusts after us. He spoke of Hosea and Gomer, and how that was a parallel to how God felt about his people. I had honestly never made that connection before, but it made perfect sense. Hosea was told to marry Gomer, who was a prostitute. He did, and soon enough she left him. However, God instructed Hosea to take her back. And so, he did. And she left again. This happened again and again and again. Sound familiar?

God doesn't just love us like a sibling or even a parent. He lusts after us like a lover. His love is so strong that his heart breaks when we leave him. And he rejoices when we love him back.

Later in the week, our final speaker said that Judgment Day was more like our wedding day. It's the day were we will finally join God and be with him forever. And it just makes it seem that much more amazing and beautiful.

So always remember: God loves you!